Anguish, Love, and Bella (Re-write of New Moon)
by smschwa29
Summary: Edward. That is all she can cling to. He has left her and all she can do is stay alive. Because deep down she hopes Edward will come and release her from this torment. What if he does come back? What if someone else comes back as well? Bella faces new struggles, new people and old hurts with old loves and old friends.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_**Beginning of Bella's Torture:**_

Bella thought Edward would stay with her forever. But then he left. Bella just stopped...stopped getting up, eating, brushing her teeth, and so on. Then the numbness set in. It was a welcoming relief to her constant aching and loneliness, but even the numbness became too overwhelming. She had started to lose his memory, Fearing the loss of him, she blindly pinched herself so hard, she cried fresh tears. The pain came back and hit her hard, like a bus smashing her to ground. It was like being stung by a thousand bees that never stopped stinging. She cried and sobbed and then heaved and shook herself when all the tears were gone. In the end, the sobbing and crying turned into numbness and shock. And then the cycle repeated itself. To Bella, the pain was just too much. Never knowing if she would make it through the nights for fear of loosing him to the bleak emptiness of her dreams. So she stayed awake; vowing to never forget. She just wanted him to come back..._needed_ him to come back.

She had never felt anything like this. Dying inside yourself that is, is a slow death. It does not happen immediately. Bella experienced it like most, except for her, death seemed like centuries of suffering. She denied it and refused to believe until nothing was left, except anger and hate. Then...she lost herself. Needing him to save her from her torment, she sat in her mother's rocking chair, rocking back and forth in front of the window for hours, than days, than weeks, months...waiting for him. He never came.

She could go on, but what would be the point? Without him she felt nothing like she was not whole. She would fall asleep in the that same rocking chair night after night from tears and exhaustion, dreaming of him and his smell, his sweet scent and his wonderful eyes searching hers... hers searching his for answers neither one could give. Eventually day became night and night became day; reality and dreams becoming one. She imagined Edward with bronze tousled hair, his golden eyes, his strong hands and fingers. touching her and holding her. She imagined him walking toward her and sometimes if she couldn't breathe or move, he would just stand there and stare at her with love and sorrow in his face - always reaching for her, telling her "be careful, don't let herself go. for Charlie." After all..., she promised him. Bella knew he was just an illusion, but oh how she needed it. Without him, She felt empty, useless sitting there, wasting away. she tried to get up, tried to start the day because she knew she had to do something, but even doing one small thing was too difficult. She kept at it for a week or so, but she never made it out the door.

Time passed like this for so long that Charlie was frantic with worry. He called her mother, and arranged for her to go back to Arizona. But Bella screamed and cried and locked herself in her room, refusing to leave. She begged her father for understanding, though not sure how he could give it. Charlie, giving no alternative because of fear for her life insisted, saying she needed to go find life again. Bella refused, terrified that she would lose what she had left of Edward. But sure that Charlie would not waver from his decision, she did the only thing she could do...she faked it. Bella started to smile and laugh, went out with Mike and Jessica to the beach. She went shopping for new books and bought clothes with her friends from school. All this just simply to stay close to him...to Edward. Eventually Bella tired of faking it. With so many watching, she agreed to rent an apartment five blocks from Seattle College where she was a full-time student. Bella chose to stay in Seattle instead of Forks, because she knew that if she were to have relief from her onlookers and well wishers, yet still stay close to Forks and her memories of Edward, she stayed in Seattle. For her it was a new start and a brief relief, but it was more than that. it was a break from the boring human life that she had before Edward. And she was so tired of pretending to care about the little meaningless things in life when all she really wanted was Edward.

And so she fell into a routine. Simple but effective. It was enough to throw Charlie and The Gang from the Rez off their "worry-about-Bella" streak. Bella called her father once a week and hung out with her friends once every two weeks. Her dad always came and visited her when he went fishing for the weekend, claiming interest in her school work and missing her as motive, but really she knew he was checking up on her..making sure she was still alive. She graciously humored him. She spoke about shopping and parties she never went to and silly frivolous things such as hair and makeup she never wore. Charlie, wanting to believe her and anxious to see her healthy and happy, listened attentively and filled with relief. Then he would leave her with a pat on her head and a kiss on his cheek from her, and he would leave none the wiser.

This was Bella's life now. She was content with it, even used to it, but no one would know the pain and anguish she felt inside. She still missed Edward immensely and knew that she would never stop loving him and yearning for him. The nights were the worst. Just like every night before, she went to bed and slid into her cotton sheets drowsily closing her eyes. There she fell into a fitful dream of Edward and his cold muscular body beneath her, holding her while his melodic voice lulled her to sleep.

When she woke groggily, stretching her hands up and extending her toes under the covers, she froze. Bella, smelling the faintest scent of vanilla and pine, shot straight up in bed, breathing heavily and fast. She searched the dimly lit bedroom, looking for any sign that it wasn't a dream. Hoping, she waited…and waited. Nothing came out of the dark, no glittering being moved towards her. She saw no pale figure in the apartment. All she heard and saw, was her clean white walls and her empty bedroom. After sitting and waiting for what felt like years, Bella slowly got up from bed, disappointed and chastising herself for letting her heart get the best of her. She left her bedroom angry at herself and muttering about her own foolishness. She flipped the lights on and went into kitchen. She had a nice enough apartment, but it was minuscule and claustrophobic. The kitchen and the living room was one big giant room and the bathroom was so small she had to store the toilet paper and her toiletries in the bath tub, removing them every night to take a shower. But, to Bella it was her own and no one could take it from her. Not even Charlie would be pestering or worrying or asking questions she couldn't answer. And So it was perfect. Leaning into the cupboard for a glass, Bella shakily set back down on her feet, and slowly turned around._ I am out of my mind, that scent…it was just here..I must be hallucinating._ She turned slowing around, eyeing her bedroom, waiting for him to come through the door, but he never did. Bella, unnerved, went quickly to her laundry hamper pulled out a clean black v-necked T-shirt, and a pair of skinny jeans with a white belt and black boots. Hurriedly, she dressed and left the apartment, slightly frazzled. She walked to her psychology class, still thinking about Edward. She sat through her entire class day dreaming, wishing. Eventually class ended and she set out for the closest Starbucks three blocks from campus.

Bella walked down the sidewalk humming Debussy, more relaxed with what happened earlier this morning safely from her mind. She was drinking a Vanilla Bean Frappe with extra whipped topping that the girl behind the counter insisted she try because it was the special and the best thing on the planet…Bella too impatient and thoroughly exhausted with her chipper and happy self, simply agreed and drank it anyway. Coffee was coffee to Bella, but she started to doubt that philosophy with the chipper cashier in her mind. She had left Starbucks from talking with her friend Samantha who had tried to set her up with her boyfriend's older brother. Bella thought back on the conversation and sighed.

_**Previously in Starbucks:**_

"Bella, you can't keep up like this forever. You are not celibate. Maybe this will bring you some spice to your life and a mysterious dark and handsome man to boot!" Samantha, exasperated with Bella for more than one reason, was trying desperately to get Bella to go to a new club on the strip. The strip wasn't like Vegas, but Seattle tried its best to give young college youth entertainment (even if it was just two clubs with a couple of deadbeat bars and low city lights). Bella had been her friend for a year..almost as long as she had been in Seattle, but she had refused to go with her to the club so many times, Samantha started to worry. No ordinary normal girl stays home on Friday nights. Certainly not young, fresh and gorgeous ones such as Bella. And frankly, Bella needs to get a life, even if it meant coercing her into a date with an older guy who probably was too old for the game but young enough to catch a girls eye. Anyway, Bella needed to get out of herself and outside of Edward!

Bella laughed quietly and whispered more to herself, "You have no idea" Then looking at Sam, she said, "Look, I am just not in the right state of mind to date anyone, especially your frat boys you so lovingly keep in your little black book… I LOVED Edward and I am still in love with him and I can't just restart my life and ask my heart to forget him. It just isn't that simple."

Sighing with frustration, Samantha looked at Bella and said, "Bella, he left you. This is simple. Move on. Anyone who leaves you is good riddance and he did, so he is definitely on my 'Shit List'. Just come with me to the club and have fun. You don't even have to like this guy. Just go and try it out. You never know, you might have fun"

Bella looked at her friend and sighed. Samantha had been her friend since she had moved to Seattle that first rainy day. She chose Bella; she knew that now, as they were complete opposites like Yin and Yang, Samantha needed a practical element in her life to steady her as Bella needed the happy chipper free spirit to stop herself from fading into nothing.

Though her constant movement and airy persona sometimes became annoying and frustrating, Bella found she liked Sam's positive attitude and sometimes looked forward to her cheery smile to beat away the ever-present darkness in her heart. Bella knew before she spoke that she would agree if only to please the lovely Samantha, who all too closely reminded her of someone she loved dearly and missed as much as Edward. Resigning herself to her fate, Bella said, "Fine I'll go" Knowing the night would end with Samantha pouting, and Bella going home alone, Bella was strangely grateful for the her friend's effort anyway. Squealing and laughing, Sam just grinned and pulled Bella into a quick hug, "You won't regret it!" Smiling and hugging her friend, Bella said goodbye and on her way out shouted, "You owe me one." Bella smiled again and quickly made her way to her apartment building.

_**Present Time:**_

Bella continued her walk to her apartment, reaching the door as the sun disappeared behind the trees. Anxious for a reason she couldn't trace, she walked the four sets of stairs with a slight jump to her pace. Finally at her apartment dubbed '136a, with the 'a' looking like a six confusing the mail carrier more times then she could count, she shuffled inside. Tripping on her feet, she fell to the floor. ow! ugh… Muttering to herself about her clumsiness, she picked herself up and turned to the small stand by the door and reached above the beaded lamp that her mother bought her at Pottery Barn, and flipped on the lights. She smelled him before she saw him. The same scent, the same exquisite feeling of heady fluttering began to creep into her body. Suddenly butterflies and tingling sensations spread to her thighs and legs, moving slowing up to her abdomen creating a cool wispy sensation that she remembered craving all those lonely nights before. She slowly turned from the door to the center of the room; her living room couch coming into view first with its plain but practical tan color and red pillows. She turned further into the room to where her mother's rocking chair was and stopped; she saw him! He was just sitting there, watching her, not saying a word. Fearing the loss of the sweet relief that was suddenly given to her, she refused to move and just stared at the chiseled pale form in front of her. She ached with longing for him, for his arms around her and his sweet lips on hers, but still she would not move. Finally after staring for what felt like an eternity, he said, "Bella, sweetheart, breathe."

With a gasp and an exhale of breath, She murmured, "Oh" before blacking out into darkness, falling into his arms before she hit the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**Alright everyone! Again thanks to those that reviewed and if you haven't, well you know the drill. Anyway, this will be my second chapter so here goes! Also if you want the disclaimer read chapter 1.**

Bella woke up unsure of where she was. She faintly smelled something sweet, and achingly familiar. Bella quickly looked around realizing that she was still in her apartment but on the couch. Sitting up, she quickly remembered why she had blacked out, and frantically searched the dark apartment, looking for the beautiful sculpted vampire she loved. She found him across the room, staring at her curiously with his honey eyes of gold. Staring into his eyes, she lost herself for eternity it seemed until she heard a keening sound, like a wounded animal. She realized that she was making this painful noise. She was sobbing so hard her throat hurt and her chest felt like it would explode. After many moments of trying to even her breathing she spoke in small whispers, so faintly only he could hear,

"How could you? How could you leave me here to die without you? I didn't even know if I was even breathing, and now you are here. I would reach into my memories, and try to hear your voice in my head and try to think of a reason to live; but you never came back. You always faded, and eventually you stopped coming. I do not think I can lose you again, so please tell me I am not dreaming, that you are really here. I need it to be true."

Edward, so stoic before, looked at her remorsefully, wishing he could take her pain away, knowing he was the cause. He moved away from the wall he had stood against, careful to not move too swiftly, moving directly in front of her but not too close, not knowing if she would shrink away, or fear him. He knelt on his knee, and looked up at her with regret and sorrow. With hesitation, Edward whispered,

"Bella…I love you with all of my heart and my whole self. But I had to leave. I thought if I didn't that your life would be in danger and I wanted you to live, to have the life I could never give you. I suffered so much without you by my side, I was trying to save you. Every day I wanted to die because I could not live a life without you. But I realized after seeing you sink into torture and sadness, that I was doing more harm than good. There was no way I could continue to watch you suffer because of something I did. I had to see you smile once more, even if being here would make you hate me more. I couldn't see you or touch you or smell you and it was killing me. I missed you too much to stay away. I love you too much to put you in danger, but I selfishly cannot stop myself anymore. I am yours, always."

Bella stared at him in awe, not sure if this was a dream or a hallucination. She dreamt of this moment so many times and now that he is here in her living room, she is having a hard time believing it is true. She didn't care. She wanted him and she would take this even if it is nothing but a dream. She slowly moved off of the couch to Edward, never losing his gaze and bent down on her knees facing him. Slowly, Edward raised his hand to her face, caressing her cheek, relishing her smooth skin, softly brushing her hair from her face. Bella smiled serenely, closing her eyes and leaning into his palm. Edward was so overjoyed with love and peace. He finally had her in his grasp, finally touching her and holding her. To him, this was the purest form of heaven he could ever know. Wanting more from her cold angel, Bella lifted her arms and wrapped herself around his chest, burying herself in his scent and clinging to him fervently, afraid to let go. Edward wrapped his arms around her waist and bent his head down to smell her hair. Holding her close and tightly for a while, Edward lifted her and carried her to the rocking chair in the corner of the room, rocking her back and forth content with holding her against him.

Softly, Edward whispered "Bella, love, do you want me to stay with you? I know I don't deserve you, but after holding you and touching you, I don't know If I can leave you again, it would be too hard…" Bella lifted her face to his, kissing his mouth, nibbling and sucking his lips softly, shushing his doubts. When she started to lose her breath and close to passing out, he pulled away as she quickly gasped for breath. Edward furrowed his eyebrows with concern, reprimanded her softly, "Bella, you must learn to breath."

Bella sighed still breathing heavily, "Edward, when you kiss me, I forget to breathe. I feel nothing but my life merging with yours. I cannot breathe without your scent and breath to give me life. You cannot leave me again. Its too late to save me. I am hopelessly lost. I love you, if you leave me again I will die I know it. You have no other choice… she trailed off as if unsure. Edward stared down at her, his gold eyes tinged with a hint of black, his hunger returning. He took a long moment, staring at his beloved, before he simply said, "I am yours, and always will be." Bella smiled her worry forgotten. Edward glanced at her lips, her teeth biting her bottom lip, and he groaned, "Bella, please take your bottom lip out from under your teeth." She gasped, now conscious of his gaze on her mouth. Edward raised his thumb to her bottom lip and rubbed her lips where her teeth were. Glancing at her, she saw his desire. She was on uncharted territory, unsure how to handle his heated desire, but she knew she wanted him. She couldn't help her lingering gaze on his lips. Edward could feel the vampire in him raging, dying to get free to bite her lip and make it bleed sucking the blood from her lips. He restrained the vampire, though his eyes darkened even more. Gripping her tightly, holding her close, he touched his lips to hers lightly dancing his tongue on her lips and then swiping his tongue on the inside of her lips. She moaned, causing Edward to flinch, moving back instantly. He sat rigid against the Rocking chair back. Bella, winced, as his grip tightened on her. Noticing, he released his hold, she saw him visibly relax an inch, but not much. He turned his head back to her, never releasing his hold on her. He gently touched her face with his hand and met her eyes, and whispered "My Love, My Drug"

He leaned in again, this time more carefully, slowing moving his mouth to hers, watching her holding her breath. he gently squeezed her arm, lightly whispering, "breathe Bella." She gasped again sucking in air, and held it, watching him. He smirked, knowingly, and moved his mouth firmly against hers. He softly kissed her, memorizing her soft velvet lips with his. As his hands held her face he deepened the kiss, nibbling her lips seeking entrance to the wet soft, velvet mouth. All the emotion and passion he had for all of those months with out her seeped into the kiss, as he sucked her lips and licked the top of her mouth, wanting so much more. After a while, their passionate kisses became too much, and Edward yanked his lips from hers, moving back against the chair again. Bella struggled to gasp for breath staring at him and his lips, wanting more. Edward, smiled a small smile, and shook his head "Bella, your tempting me, I cannot control myself for much longer. It will be very dangerous, if we don't stop now. Bella wished he would never stop. Her look of desire and love never wavered. Sighing imperceptibly, Edward picked Bella up and stood. Bella's legs wrapped around him instinctively. Edward walked to the bedroom and her down gently on the bed. She unwrapped her legs around him, and watched as he moved to the other side of the bed. He removed the cover, sliding it to the end of the bed. He lay back with his head against the headboard, and simply held his hand out to her. She needed no other invitation. She moved quickly to his side, laying her head on his firm cold chest. Holding her tightly against him, he kissed the crown of her hair, and he held her all night. She wound her body tightly around him, clinging to him. Edward stroked her hair and hummed softly. Finally Bella fell asleep listening to Edward hum her to sleep with a lullaby.

The morning came all too quickly, the sun shining brightly through the bedroom window, falling across Bella's face. She woke drowsy and hesitant, afraid to wake fully for fear that it was all a dream and he would not be here. Slowly she shifted around finding herself face to face with Edward, his eyes never leaving hers. She sighed contently, satisfied that she had not been dreaming. Edward smiled, and softly caressed her face. Leaning in, he gently kissed her and nipped her bottom lip quickly pulling away. He smiled at her faint whimper, and said, "Bella, love, Alice is coming over. She was too excited to wait any longer, and I was afraid she would not have waited last night, but I know she will want to share in the good news. Then Esme who is also thrilled to have you and I together again, wishes to spend time with you. She also wants to cook for you again as she has new recipes to try." Anxiously Bella said,

"Edward, what if something happens again, and the same thing happens again? I cant loose you much less them. They are my family too, and I cannot go through this again. You have to promise me you will not leave me again." Edward, regret and sadness filling his eyes, replied " Bella my sweet, Jasper and Alice have taken extra precautions as have the rest, and I have as well. You will never be in danger again. I will never leave you. You are my life and my soul. Without you there is nothing for me to live for. I will be with you till you tell me to go.

Content in his answer and happy to just be with him, she snuggled into his side, her face buried in his hard cold shoulder, smelling his intoxicating scent of vanilla. Edward satisfied with her being close to him, held her and watched her as she lay next to him, memorizing her face, and loving every inch of her. There they stayed for hours, just holding each other. The sun rose higher into the sky falling across them. Edward sparkled, his pristine sculpted skin like diamonds, and Bella caressing him softly. Edward reveled in her touch, her warmth radiating through her fingertips, dancing across his skin. oh what sweet torture it was to be touched by her. How he ached for her.

Hours passed, the world continued as they lay there, they were the picture of bliss and happiness, until the door opened, surprising them both..And Samantha called out, " Bella, are you awake? We have to meet the others for study group..." She paused with shock, as she walked into the bedroom and saw Bella with the most beautiful man she has ever seen.


End file.
